The apple trees are blooming but they are no longer needed for my navigation, Where to next?

I did not know the streets when I first moved here so I used the apple trees in peoples gardens to find my way about/home. Beautiful fruitful trees. I never got lost, just sometimes took the long way round. Hehe.

Over the last two years I have planned my little head off into a situation that was unattainable. I thought I knew everything that was EVER going to happen in my life.... literally down to tiny little details, such as the ways 'our' kids would be brought up, what colour their bedrooms would be and a shit load of crazy stuff. Over the last few weeks planning/or generally thinking about my future has made me f*cking upset and confused and alone and such. Now I have a much better perspective and I am actually looking forward to thinking about all of the possible things I can do with my life. Not that being with A stopped me dreaming, but they were more focused on 'us'. I just wanted to get to a point where we were not apart so thinking about marriage and a family came with that. I do not regret it, it saddens me, but if that is the way my head works then I am glad I never hid it, although, that being said, the distance also made me loose sight of what I really wanted. IE I never talked about the things that I wanted to do with my future, I just talked about settling down. Suffocation! :P

OPTIONS.
I have so many options I just do not know what to do. I have so many thoughts and I guess some I should do before others!
I am going home to Wales in July, and I will just get a crap job, save my little ass off and head out travelling/working/studying etc. I do not know where, what or anything but I think getting some money together makes sense. May come back to Oslo/Norway to study or work. I really do love it here. I have been offered the job again with this family for another year but I just can not make that sort of commitment at the moment. Scares me too much. Weird being so unsure about everything when I plan things so detailed usually.

Studying – Ecology, Toxicology, teaching and many others! Too many choices but I do not have to think about them right now as applications for Aug/Sept 2011 deadline is far away. But considering the UK or Norway, but may look into other international masters in other countries taught in English I think at some point.

Travelling – Options are endless, its a big world. I was thinking about combining travelling with working etc. Teaching and conservation/monitoring/learning etc. So definitely looking into South America when I get a job, so I have something to aim at, money wise. Oh and doing my TEFL of course before.

Working – I could get ANY job as long as it was for money, but I could also start looking into 'proper' jobs, with something I want to do in the future. Little worried as it is rather difficult in the UK job market at the moment. Just any job will do at first though :)

General thoughts currently.
Stuff is becoming clearer by the day.
Although I do I wish that I had the ability to stop time and stay within certain moments. Song
Input is nicest.
BryonyRuth
xx

Who?

Ok so there are quite a few people that I mention that I just give simple letter nicknames to but to form some kind of list might help you follow. I will remove their names if I am told they are not comfortable with it being on here.

T - My middle brother - Toby
V - My best friend from home - Vicki
D - Oslo awesome Friend (British) - Dixie
L - Oslo Friend (British) - Lindsay
S - Oslo Friend (British) - Sophia
A - My ex norwegian boyfriend (Most recent) - Andre
Al - Dixie's Friend
K - Oslo Friend (Irish) - Katie
JMP - Ex boyfriend
DJG - Ex boyfriend
GB - Ex boyfriend
N - Close friend from Uni - Tash
O - The littlest boy that I look after.
Bedwin - Did not use a code for him, friend from Uni.
Sam - Did not use a code for him either, friend from home.

People that have not been mentioned yet but are in the photos or other.
W - D's flatmate - Winfried (He complained that he had not :P)
Y - Oslo friend (British) - Yasmine
Ei - D's flatmate - Eirik
Te - D's friend in Oslo - Tine

Think that is most of the people that I have mentioned and that are in the pictures on here.
Dunno if it helps other people, but this is going to help me :P
BryonyRuth

Busy busy end of May.

Hai Noodlecakes.

My gosh I managed to go a whole 2 days without writing another post.
BE PROUD!

So last post was a little little little bit emo. So time to pick myself up and think about myself and others, rather than people that do not care about me and not to worry so much.

Life.....
Friday I had a LONG day. Not unexpected so just worked it. Was meant to be going to meet K with the two little boys that she works with but the middle boy that I look after was ill at home from school so I could not head off into Oslo. Not an overly interesting day. Cooked hot dogs for dinner for the 3 boys that I live with and another two boys who were their friends. Sat down to eat and the father of the family came in and basically said.
'Ok, we are going to Tusenfryd, hurry up and eat'.
It is a theme park in Norway, apparently the biggest but it is not that big :P Pretty doable in a few hours if the queues are not too bad.

This pretty much sums up my excitement! Love it! Huge escalator goes up and overhead a roller coaster! :D
Went on a few rides with the boys, had popcorn, pretty awesome.

This picture is sooooo cute. Such a silly ride, hehe!
Saturday - EUROVISON
Party. People. Flags. Biscuits. Tv. Songs. Music. Singing. Dancing. Strawberries. Vodka. Wine. Coconut milk. Cream. Cinnamon. Raspberries. Ice. Red hands. Cheering. Laughing. Smiling. Flirting. Talking. Walking. Trains. Waiting.
Dancing. Laughing. Walking. Pizza. Talking. Taxi. Sleeping.... for like 3 hours, cleaning the flat and heading home.
Me, totally not being able to look cool. Sofa bed.

Sunday
BBQ på Langøyene med D, S and Al.

Good laughing times.
Cards. Food.
Chocolate bananas.
Chess.
Variating weather.
Popcorn. Ferries.
Photos. Awesomeness.


Feeling so good about myself after the weekend. Full of lovely people, new and old.
Good question I got asked. 'Why do I still care?' When you can not give that a good answer, it is time to move forward.

BryonyRuth xx

Clarification and broken hearts.

Hey.

This is with reference to my blog on fancying other people while in a loving relationship. I would like to point out that, that is not how me and A broke up. It was no where near as easy and putting myself on the pile of unwanted Bryony's. There was a lot of I love you but I dont see the point. I love you and I wanna talk. I love you but I wanna do other stuff. I dont love you. Please? No? Why? I do not know...... Stylie. Pretty messy as most break ups are. I was never told there was anything wrong with me, nor did he say there was anything wrong with him... Hmmm. Complicated. It is over now, as my post a few weeks ago confirmed. The majority of posts since then are just about me trying to figure out my situation/and others! I have had a few people messaging me and telling me that reading my blog has helped them a little and I find it nice that I can take some comfort from my pain, that it is helping others.

Broken hearts..... These are nasty things. They can cause a lot of changes in ones life, from not walking past his house on the way home from school to having to move out of the house you bought together. They happen to everyone, and how ever much advice, support, distractions etc etc you are given, there is something it does not touch, or so it seems with me. I have a void in my chest. It is odd. Like part of me is missing and it hurts all the time. Its not depression/sadness. It is actual physical pain. Over the last however many weeks I have felt constantly sick and like someone is kinda standing on my chest but also with a stabbing throbbing pain (I can not explain this feeling properly, too fricking hard). In my last year of uni, I went through bad stages of missing A. I felt sick every morning, faded when I spoke to him. I do not know if these are actual medical problems but my head seems to be sorted (Well...... ish), it is just the pain that will not go away. I do not expect it to go away straight away and it is also sometimes nice to feel the pain, in the sense that this relationship did actually mean something. Just gotta keep looking forward!

Enough emo ness.
I went to Tusenfryd today! I will blog about what I have been doing soon, maybe. Slack Sunday perhaps.
BryonyRuth xx

Daddy

This is a little post to just wish my Dad a HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Apparently he has stopped celebrating them... Hehe. I can not be at home, so this makes me all that little bit more home sick. 5 weeks ish till my parents collect me. Then I shall be at home till I figure out what the hell I want out of my life. But yes.

!!!!!!HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY! MISS YOU. LOVE YOU MUCHOS!!!!!!

Also, Ffi Ffi turned 2!! This is like 2 weeks delayed but I will explain.
My bestfriends baby was born on the 16th of May 2008, but I was in Norway for the following 10 days so I did not get to meet the beautiful baby until today, 2 years ago.

This is not a picture of her new born but she is such a gorgeous little girl!

Love my friends and family soooooooooo much! Can not wait to spend some time back at home till I head off on my next adventure! This is unknown at the moment, but money is the plan, any job, sh*t jobs give money = plan!

BryonyRuth xx

New lovely song.

Coeur de pirate - Comme des enfants

Alors tu vois, comme tout se mele
Et du coeur a tes levres, je deviens un casse-tête
Ton rire me crit, de te lacher
Avant de perdre prise, et d'abandonner
Car je ne t'en demanderai jamais autant
Déja que tu me traites, comme un grand enfant
Nous avons trop rien, a risquer
A part nos vies qu'on laisse de coté

Et il m'aime encore, et moi je t'aime un peu plus fort
Mais il m'aime encore, et moi je t'aime un peu plus fort

C'en est assez de ces dédoublements
C'est plus dure à faire, qu'autrement
Car sans rire c'est plus facile de rêver
A ce qu'on ne pourra, jamais plus toucher
On se prend la main, comme des enfants
Le bonheur aux lèvres, un peu naivement
Et on marche ensemble, d'un pas décidé
Alors que nos têtes nous crient de tout arrêter

Il m'aime encore, et toi tu m'aime un peu plus fort
Mais il m'aime encore, et moi je t'aime un peu plus fort
Et malgré ça il m'aime encore, et moi je t'aime un peu plus fort
Mais il m'aime encore, et moi je t'aime un peu plus fort

Encore, et moi je t'aime un peu plus fort
Mais il m'aime encore, et moi je t'aime un peu plus fort
Et malgré ça il m'aime encore, et moi je t'aime un peu plus fort
Mais il m'aime encore, et moi je t'aime un peu plus fort
Et malgré sa il, m'aime encore, et moi je t'aime un plus fort
Mais il m'aime encore, et moi je t'aime un peu plus fort
Et malgré ça il, m'aime encore et moi je t'aime un peu plus fort
Mais il m'aime encore, et moi je t'aime un peu plus fort

It is in french but I love the lyrics and the video.

Here it is with english translations too.



So you see, as everything combines
from deep in your lips, i'm getting a headache
your laugh defines me, to let you go
before losing, to abandon
because i'll never ask you for that.
You've already treated me like a big kid
We've got nothing to lose
Besides our lives that we've cast aside

And he still loves me, and I love you a little more
But he still loves me, and I love you a little more

Enough of these loops
It's too hard to do otherwise
Because it's easier to dream without laughing
About what we can't do, never again to touch...
We hold hands, like children
Happiness on our lips, a little naive
We walk together, with a predetermined step
Until our heads tell us to stop

And he still loves me, and I love you a little more
But he still loves me, and I love you a little more

In spite of all that he loves me, and i love you a little more.

Translation taken from a website so unsure whether it is correct or even whether it matches the english lyrics in the video.

Enjoy.
BryonyRuth
Xx

What do you do when you love someone but fancy another?

This depends completely on the situation and the couple/people. People always have choices.

People should make the decision of not putting themselves in that situation, but is never always that easy. There are various ways of flirting. It can be harmless, up until the point that you can see yourself wanting to be with that person on a different level to friendship. Then you should back off. But if not, this is where it spirals, especially if the other person shows more than a friendly interest back.

The comparisions between the person that you love and the person that you wanna get with.
Examples with particular reference to the situations that I have put myself in before.......
Distance - This person is here with me now whereas the person I love is far away.
Freedom - This person is free like a bird and likes me for the fun loving person that I am whereas the person I love is 'slave driver' and always expects things of me that I can't give them.
Hotter - This person is hotter than my partner and wants to be with me.
Excitement - I have been with the person I love for so long I think being with this person would make my life better in the here and now.
Interests - This person has more in common with me than my loved one.
Way of living - This person gets me for who I am and doesnt want to change me, others expect too much from me.

I think being able to see these things in time will help you save a loving relationship and I think the wisdom comes with age/experiences. I am only 23 so I can not say much about this and there are happily married couples with kids getting broken up by one of the parents f*cking off and deciding this 'hot younger free' person is what I need in my life, well why don't you just get a bloody motorcycle rather than f*cking your secetary.

When this goes on for such a long time some people are incapable of seeing why they should be with the person they love, what they love about them and why you ever saw them in your future.

Because you love them, you do not want to hurt them but how ever you go about breaking up with them will be hard on the other person and perhaps yourself if you let yourself think about what you are losing. Chosing a life without the person that you love is hard, but many people choose to do it. Many people cheat on their loved ones. God, we should hate human beings all the time. Just can not let it get to you in that way.

Ways of breaking the spiral -
Backing off and putting yourself in different situations.
Being honest with the person you love, however hard you find it.
Being able to step back from past situations and seeing what the hell you are/have doing.
Giving things a TRY, being a f*cking pussy and backing off just shows that you are a mess and that you do not understand yourself.

I have been unfaithful with my past partners, last relationship excluded. But that relationship was started on bad grounds with both of us. He saw his ex in a bad light because of me and I saw mine in a bad light because of him. I did not want to put myself in situations where I could see myself intimate with another person in the same way as him, I still lived my life, I still lived in another city by myself but he was enough for me. He was all I needed, and although we were apart I still wanted him in everything that I experienced.

People will learn with time. The people than turn into the 'rebounds/new partner' were often the people that the other person saw themselves with while in a relationship with their loved one. Again, just gotta be honest. Can not expect everything to be the same. It will not. Being with other people is completely different. The love is no longer there. But affection is so it is sometimes enough. Being in loved and having the feeling returned is amazing. Makes everything else in life sweeter, sex, spring, flowers, food, games, tv, anything stupid and so much more!!

Best is to not blame yourself if you are the receiving end of it. People cheat, people think others are better for them but as long as you can honestly say you were yourself and that you did everything for the relationship then you just gotta move forward. When someone has made up their mind, trying to tell them what they are doing is a mistake will make them pull away more. Until you lose them from your life completely. This only helps if the hate and anger comes. With me, I feel too f*cking understanding. In my first year of uni, I told the person that I loved he could sleep with other people as we were only young and we should experience life... Too fucking understanding for my age I tell you. Though some people may call it naive :P I do not care that he found others attractive even he didnt sleep with anyone else, and I do not compare myself to them, there is no point!

Life is sh*t and you just have to live through it. There are so many moments of happiness! Just gotta let them come and not put your life on hold because a certain someone f*cks you over.

There is always forgiveness and there is always the future.

BryonyRuth xx

Music.

Music is awesome.
It can go with any situation.
It can make things better.
It can make things worse.
It can let you remember.
It can help you forget.
It can get you though the bad times.
And it can make good times even better.

I have spent ages and AGES making this play list, it runs through basically all of my emotions, from happy to sad to horny to f*cked up drunk and to my past and to my future.

Soundtrack? <- Spotify playlist link

Some of the main songs/bands and the memories/emotions that go with them. In no particular order.

No Doubt - Don't speak ~ My favourite song since I can remember. Reminds me of my friend Steve as well as many others.

Rage against the machine - Killing in the name ~ Mainly think of Sam when I listen to Rage, but there are a whole load of memories that go along with this band. Parks, drinking cider, pier jumping, fires, little pricks, teenage years, broken hearts, rebellion, getting stoned, smoking, summer, Reading festival and now Christmas!

Audioslave - Saw this band live with a few friends when I was still at school, 17? I lost everyone and ended up making out with a guy in the crowd while moshing my little ass off. It was insane. Emotions, sweat, passion and music. I then hid from him later :P Also when I would have got up on stage and f*cked Chris Cornell right there and then! Haha.

Deathcab for cutie ~ Breakups. Reading The Time travelers wife. Endings.

The fratellis - Henrietta ~ One of the first songs I remember recommending A.

Fall out boy - Thnks fr th Mmrs ~ Reading 2007? My eldest brother dancing.
Lostprophets - The fake sound of progress ~ My eldest brother gave me their first album.

Foo fighters - Swollen/painful ankle, Complaining, Letters on faces with eyeliner, Reading Festival, Good friends!

Biffy Clyro - Do not need to say much more than LOVE!!! Seriously any mood, any situation, they always make me feel awesome. Seen them live a few times. Also been running with them on the old Ipod too.

Five ~ Yes the boyband! This is sooooooo V. She totally was not into any of the music I was into. She learnt fast :P Love them though, EPIC! Mr ZZZZZZZZZ! One seriously funny memory is when they broke up. V was a total messssss.

Nirvana, Deftones, ~ Teenage years. Getting stoned. Good friends. Good music.

Capdown ~ Ex boyfriend, JMP. Reading festival, mess, sweat and big guys trying to protect me in the crowd whereas I was just beating other people :P

Catatonia ~ Home. Wales. Miss it!

30 Seconds to Mars - The Fantasy ~ Always plays on the Ipod when I am walking.

Prodigy - warriors dance ~ Running. Drum and Bass is what keeps me running.

Any 3 doors down ~ These always helped with being away from A for some reason, and during break ups :P

Alisha's Attic - I am, I feel, and Back street boys - Everybody ~ These reminds me of sitting/dancing in my best friends house listening to music, soooo many years ago. She lived/lives accross the road from my parents house.

Avril Lavigne ~ She reminds me of a lot, but what I will mention is N here. In uni, she always LOVED this artist when DrUnK.

Garbage - This band I have loved for so long, all the songs seem to go along with aspects of my life, not completely but nice to sing along toooooooooo.

Basshunter ~ He is not talented (Or whatever) but it is something that I find blooming hilarious everytime I hear him. I got introduced to these videos on youtube in my first year from N (She was also playing WOW at the time [Alliance! :/]... GEEEEEEEEEEEK). We both LOVED it, then I showed JMP and T my brother. Good times!

Some songs are not available on spotify so here are a few that are nice....
1 . Stronger - 30 Seconds to mars
2. The Lonely planet - Jizz in my pants
3. The Shins - New Slang
4. The Shins - Caring is creepy
5. Feeder - Buck rogers

Foook, so many songs! I have so many memories but I can not write them all down!
There is a few. The music that I have lived, loved and lost to so far......
Awesome. Music keeps me alive.
Over and out.
BryonyRuth xxx

Good memories 1.

This song reminds me of a LOT of things. But the one that comes to mind now is the first night/day I spent with A. Every time I woke up he was looking at me. Good times.
Aerosmith - I don't wanna miss a thing

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
Far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Well, every moment spent with you
Is a moment I treasure

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing

Lying close to you
Feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together
And I just wanna stay with you
In this moment forever, forever and ever

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing

I don't wanna miss one smile
I don't wanna miss one kiss
Well, I just wanna be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just wanna hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
'Cause I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing

Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep, yeah
I don't wanna miss a thing

-----------------------------
This is the day that I left Norway when I visited for the first time 2 years ago.
When I asked A what he wanted. He wanted it to go somewhere, then.
Can not go back, but we can look forward......

Photo of me and A.


BryonyRuth xx

What should my new addiction be?

Definately not smoking!

I thought I did not have a very addictive personality but I believe I was mistaken. I just did not see what my addiction(s) was(were). Since I was 14 I have been in long term relationships, GB (Nearly a year and a half), DJG (Year and a half), JMP (Nearly 3 years) and A (Nearly 2 years). I have always relied on other people to make me feel good about myself, make me feel worth something and feel like there is something to live for. My mistake.

Things I should not become addicted to....
Smoking
Drugs
Drinking
Gambling

Things that I might like to get addicted to....
Sex
Sleeping
Eating (That could end with me being too fat)
Keeping fit (That could end up with me being too skinny)

Things I can not live without...
Friends
Computers
Games (Now cleansed facebook of all my apps but never ever WOW, I will come back to you when I am ready!)
Music
Food
Sex
Exercise
Drinking
Sleeping
Love (Just gotta deal with having a different type of love for the next few years)
Affection (Not sure how this one will turn out, doesnt seem to work from anyone else than A and He has moved on)

Bit of a random post.
Head spinning much Bry? :P
Natta!
Xx

Fairy tales!

Life is full of fairy tales and they are something no one should give up on. One day, you will be happy, one day your prince charming with turn up or will turn around and realise that you are worth everything in the world. There is no point in being sad for the fact that it has not happened yet, and no point in putting your life on hold just for it to happen. It will come with time, so all you have to do is make a life of your own and you will find happiness.

This 'shortened' verison of Snow White made me giggle a little. If only life went this fast.

Snow White and the seven dwarfs.
"Who is the prettiest in the land?"
Snow White has black hair, white skin and red lips. She is very beautiful.
"Take snow white into the forest and kill her."
"Run away, Snow White."
"Oh, it's very untidy in here. I must clean this cottage."
"Will you stay with us and help us in the house?"
"This is an apple for you, my dear."
"You are so beautiful. Will you be my wife?"

Time is part of the measuring system used to sequence events, to compare the durations of events and the intervals between them, and to quantify the motions of objects. As taken from Wiki :P
DAMN YOU TIME!



BryonyRuth xx

Quotes over the last few weeks.

Recently I have been down down down and finding things funny infront of people was hard, some of the time I just forced myself laugh, just so I would seem ok. There have been some good moments over the last few weeks and a lot of them I have forgotten but at the time, I was like, I should soooo mention that in my blog. Not that I care about whether it makes others laugh, it makes me laugh/happy, therefore I blog it.

Me - "Shhhhhh I am peeing now...... No, f*ck."
This was on the phone to A after breaking up but me having trouble letting go (also him giving mixed feelings) so I phoned him a lot when I should not have. I was meant to say, "So talk because I do not want you to hear me peeing" but for some messed up reason I said "Shhh".

Bedwin - "I'd like to find out if they shout something different."
Bryony - "Shout?"
Bedwin - "Yeah"
Bedwin - "You probably havent shagged any asians so its understandable that you might not know."
Me and Bedwin discussing sleeping with other people after both of our f*cked up breakups. Not that either of us are ready to take that step but it was darn funny.

Me - "I feel bl**dy bipolar manic."
S - "Its ok, as long as you can see that you are mad, you are fine."
After an evening with D, N and S. Me cooking food and being all controlling of other people and generally feeling like I was crazy drunk.

Me - "Bryony wants to feel worth something :( "
An - "Ah, the feeling will pass Bryony."
Me - "The feeling does not seem to be passing, stuff just seems to be getting worse."
Mike - "NO just NO i wont allow it /slap"
Dad - "I didn't bring you up to think like this, get a wooden box, stand on it and poke the lanky Norwiegian in the eye, make rude noises at him, fart in his general direction, you are worth everything in the world beautiful Bry"
An - "Lovin your dads advice but would like to add, give em a swift kick to the knees while getting down from said box."
This was a facebook status, there were more comments but I thought I would just include these ones, hope people do not mind I missed out their comments!

N - "How much are cigarettes?"
Shop assistant - *Can not remember amount said*
N - "Ok, and How much is tobacco?"
Shop assistant - "All you need to know is that it is f*cking expensive."
N realising she had run out of tobacco and thinking about whether she could go a day without smoking or not.

N - "Lol you are hilarious, frankly im suprised you didnt get spooned, totally unlike me so for that im sorry! I totally spooned the sprite though, jealous!?"
In a message off N after she got home safely.

Sam - "Which song did he ejaculate to then?"
Talking about the influential music in my life, hahaha!

*Enjoy!
I will probably add more later but now to go hoover and mop the flooooooors :)
Muchos kisses,
BryonyRuth xx

Horoscopes.

Anyone that knows me I am sure will know that I have never really cared for horoscopes very much. I will read them if there is a magazine in front of me or if someone asks me what my start sign is, but following them each month is just not something I do.

When me and N were at the central station I decided to buy a british magazine because I was feeling a little home sick. I got the June addition of Glamour.

My star sign is....

This is what it said...

By the end of June everyone will be asking: "What's got into you!?" With the electric influence of Uranus entering your sign, the excitment factor goes sky-high. Unusual events and bonkers people enter your world and you may find yourself thinking, feeling and behaving in ways you don't recognise. Just go with it. Especially around the 8th, when it's crucial to say yes to all offers!

Its not that I believe in them in any way, but I find this something to push me through this shit. Positive!!

BryonyRuth
xx

PS. When D and N were over the other night and we were looking up horoscope things I could not help but laugh whenever I said uranus out loud. SOOOO childish but I bl**dy loved it!

Weekend 22 - 24th May

Hangover day 22nd!
One of the worst hangover days of my life. Except the 10th of June 2005, the day after Vic's 18th! Sixth form ball dress shopping with my Mum and Vic after drinking two bottles of wine and just remembering screaming outside the pier/apollo about how much I wanted my ex... Haha, repetition! I saw him the next day though, so completely different to the mess that was Friday. My friends had the sense to take my phone off me and tell him to f*ck off when he came :P
So Saturday I woke up and N was lost, I was home, nothing made sense. Stuff kept coming back to me, not the words but the 'feelings', messed up crap! Can not take shit back, no point in regrets. It is time to move forward. Me and N slept a lot of the day when she finally got back, even though we were meant to sightseeing and the weather was rather nice. When N got in she took the ice cream out of the freezer and gobbled some but fell asleep with it out. So I had to get out of bed :P We had to head to D's to collect our stuff but we did not end up doing that until 6 ish? We walked outside, N in a nighty, me wearing shorts and a tee, it started raining, we could not be f*cked to go grab a coat. At the moment in time we both wanted a thunderstorm to come and make us feel something better than what was going on with us then :P Sadly sudden down pour did not come, but the little bit of rain was nice. We stopped in 7 eleven for N to see how much cigarettes/tobacco etc were. The man behind the counter was so funny. He just said 'All you need to know is that it is f*cking expensive'. It was not like we were the only customers in there, which is what made it so funny. As we walked down to the bus stop, we saw the bus pulling away, f*ck that, we were not going to run, haha. So just stolled down at our own pace. Got on the bus. I got charged for a child ticket. I had no make up on and I was seriously hungover, awesome :D Had our jiggle exercise. Walked to D's. Got into her room, figured out that everything we were missing were in there. Including some of the drink/crisps etc from the previous night. I do not really remember much after the shot that Jonas gave me.

So I am surprised how the f*ck I got down 4 flights of stairs. Eventful afterwards ofcourse......

Looking at the pictures the next day was so funny. This is in a bar that I do not really remember going to. We had beer?! Mess.
So headed home shortly after collecting our things. Tried to avoid people... Haha.
Home, was nice. We went back to bed. N fell asleep before me. And I wish I had taken a picture. She fell asleep basically spooning the sprite bottle. Loved it! I thought she was awake, but nope! We slept till 10 ish in the evening Finally felt something similar to what I should :P Made some chips, got some crisps, sweets and drinks and sat down to watch Hot Rod. The main guy, Andy Samberg (Part of The lonely planet peoples) many people will recognise him from a number of videos/songs! He is rather fit in some ODD way. Totally surprised I did not discover this movie before. N is amazing at making me feel better and she knows exactly what I need. If only she was into girls :P She was surprised that we did not spoon though! Haha. Jealous. Bed times then!

Tash leaving and a trip into the fjord to Langøyene with a friend.
N set an alarm for 7, she managed to get up, I slept till 8. It is actually shocking that we were able to sleep for so long on Saturday and still not want to get up Sunday morning! Haha. Tried to consume some alpen, managed 2 mouthfuls. Mess. N had to rolls with honey. Packed everything up. Walked to the bus stop. Again managed to just watch the bus leaving. Got to the bus station in Oslo. Met my friend outside the central station with N. Walked N to her bus stop so she could get to the airport. Then we headed to the ferry part, to get the ferry to Langøyene. There were a lot of people waiting to get to the islands. Waited a while, ferry was pretty fast. We headed out on to the island to explore a little. It was glorious weather until we got there. We could see the rain coming in from over the sea, but we kept walking. We finally turned back and headed for shelter, although already pretty wet. Stood there talking for a bit till the shower finished. Sun did not take long to come back out. Started to walk to find somewhere to sit and such. We found a really nice spot, sat there talking and eating the picnic.
Did not realise how hot the sun was :P I talked a lot, probably a lot more than I should, not that I think it mattered. Any body that knows me at the moment will always receive large rants about the crap that goes through my head! No going back in time and no regrets. Just more learning. We headed back to the *main* land about 4. Went for a nose in the Eurovision village.

Was not too exciting but there were a few things there. We then headed to a coffee shop. Had hot chocolate and played chess! Everything was chess themed, I had never been in there.

I lost the two games. Damn I suck at chess! I was just making everything symetrical! Went back to my house to watch a movie. Ended up watching Little Miss Sunshine and Bourne Ultimatum Enjoyed both of them, had seen the Bourne one before though. My friend headed home 11/12 and I got into bed to sort a few things. Watched some Fringe and Dr Who, also talked to an ex boyfriend of mine, helped me look forward rather back....

Chill day.
Monday, the family were still away at their boat so I had a mostly chilled day. I sorted my room and some music. And obviously been writing this.

Still hurting inside but trying to change how someone views me will not help. I am who I am. He is who he is. He will always be in my heart and part of what made me into the person I will become. I wish him a super happy life! At the beginning I did not want to see him happy without me, but now I would rather know he was happy without me in his life. Take care, A. xx

Dreams
These happen, I can not stop them. Sometimes when I do not remember them I can wake up happy but a lot of the time I wake up and the realisation spreads over me. It is getting better. Day by day. Some seem so real. It is a bit like having night mares every night :/

Enjoy,
BryonyRuth xxx

History Repeating itself.

People that do not think about past moments in time will often repeat the things that made their lives crap before. A person needs to reflect on the past to be able to move forward and try to not make the same mistakes. Blaming other people works for a while. But when you see history repeating itself you should start to worry. I have looked at my past relationships and figured out why they did not work. I do not blame the other person and I do not blame myself. Somethings are just meant to work out differently to the way you hope. With past relationships I have often not let myself think about the problems and moved on straight away with some one else. Now its time for me learn, about me and about the people I fall in love with.

Hearing stories from one side of a relationship makes being objective about that relationship impossible. A few years ago when a certain someone went through a break up I thought at the time that it was the other persons fault. But when you can draw conclusions that are very similar, you can see that history is repeating itself.

People do change. You can not expect them to. You can not make them. People change because of other people. If you see faults in people you always think that they do not matter and that you are the person in their life that they will change for. Reasonings behind breakups are difficult. Only the two people will know what really happened between them. Focusing too much on the bad things can make someone go crazy, but on the other side of the scale, someone focusing too much on the good things can make some go coo coo crazy too.

With A, I changed a lot. I became a lot stronger and felt that with him supporting me I could do anything. These changes were positive. I was always been supportive of him, excited for him and wanted him to do the best he could at everything. I rarely asked for much, except for support and love back. Over the time that me and A were together, I changed but he did not. He did not grow with the relationship like some people do. I am not saying that as a bad thing, and I am not using the excuse of that we grew apart as the break up reason. I am just saying that I was willing to change everything about my life and structure to make us a happy couple. He started to florish over the last few months before we broke up, he started to view life differently and get out. He started to move forward in some ways but his life no longer included me. People do not like to be confined to rules and metaphorical boxes. They will always try to break free from them. I was ready to give myself completely to another person.

I hope that people learn from the past, and that they are able to be objective from both sides of relationships without judging the other person. Of course people want to show that they are supportive to their friends but I see no point in bad mouthing the other person. Unless they are cheating scumbags.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel like you are worth something. Asking someone to make you feel special. I tried every day to make A happy. I feel that I did a lot.

There are a whole load of thoughts in there that I have tried to connect together, but I have not done a very good job so it may be a little hard to read and understand.

Supportive Friends.

Hello Second blog of the day.

I have many of these, many of them are not slow on pointing out that I am better off. Whenever you are in a situation, you think it is different to everyone elses. But really it is not. Everyone has been through the same crap. Everyone gets their heart broken. Everyone goes through do I love him or not stages. But my brain knowing this does not help me with my heart. I want it to get over him. It just will not. Time is hurting rather than healing. I need someone else than my self to fix it. Bad times.

All of my friends are really supportive and so are my family, I phoned home at 3? in the morning and my dad was still willing to talk to me! The family that I work for also try to be too. I am very thankful but sometimes, it just does not seem to help.

Anyway.
N drew me a picture.
I love it.
I love her.
She is amazing.
This makes me feel better inside.

There is hope. There is life. I have a heart. It is broken but it will get fixed, will just have a few large scars on it.
BryonyRuth
xx

Broken. Drunk. Crying. 21st May.

Hello.

Im not doing particularly good. Last night, 21st of May, was planned to be a good night. But it went downhill fast. I drank, I knew I should not have. Here are a few things that happened in my night but no great detail as I was too drunk to remember.

- We went to D's flat to meet her housemate to go to the party in Flat 4.
- We went up and everyone was really friendly.
- There were lots of really hot guys.
- We felt awkward so drank a lot.
- The host gave us a shot of some alcohol, straight in our mouths that was like after eights.
- We headed out of the flat with everyone else.
- Went to a bar, drank beer?
- Felt rejected somehow.
- Headed out.
- Phoned A.
- Argued with N.
- Lost N.
- Do not remember anything I said to A.
- Multiple stages of crying.
- A turned his phone off, even though I was lost, alone and crying.
- More rejection.
- Being sick in flower beds.
- Phoning A more with drunken messages that I do not remember.
- In so much physical pain from him.
- Phoned my employer, thankfully she did not answer.
- Phoned home. Talked to Daddy.
- Got chatted up by a middle eastern guy at the bus stop.
- Nice 20 year old norwegian talking to me at the bus stop. Feel old anyone?
- Bus home.
- Fell asleep on the bus so missed my stop.
- Nice bus driver dropped me off at the end of my street.
- Some how got into the house.
- Woke up.
- Laptop on top of me.
- Pj bottoms on.
- Contacts out.
- Lost N still.
- Cancelled a call on my phone.
- N turned up at the door.
- Cried on her.
- She had been crying the other side of Oslo, while I was being sick and crying by the bus stop.
- She luckily found a British guy in the central station that offered her his floor for the night.
- I slept in Bærum rather than Majorstuen like the plan was. Nearest thing to home.
- And now here I am.

Last night had some good parts but they have now been over shadowed by the bad things. A turned his phone off? I could have been in real trouble.... I had no one. Makes me feel even more worthless. I can not understand what is wrong with me. I do not deserve to be treated like I am. I have given everything.

More than a disaster.
BryonyRuth. Xx

20th of May.

The last few days have been up and down. The last month or so has been up and down but to less of an extent. Like previously it was down down down with a little up but now I seem to have developed bipolarismness. I am totally broken down and then I am laughing my head off, talking like im drunk and acting like a stupid crazy person. I am not sure it is a good thing, because the super highs mean I have super lows when everything hits me again.

I miss my best friend...... SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much! (A!)

Best day so far since the break up. (Not including the weekend that A came to make things up to me, or so I thought........ Best good bye kiss EVER! Meep!)

I worked the morning, so 7 - 930. Slacked in my room and headed to Majorstuen to drop in on N. We left D's flat, N having to go via the window as we did not have the keys to lock the front door. AMUSING! I have plenty of pictures but I fear death if I put them on here! Facebook though, perhaps! We went for coffee/hot chocolate/cake other. Chatted and arranaged what we were doing for the day, to N's dislike :P I am a planning person damn it! We then went to the post office. Sent some stuff. And headed into Oslo to go visit the Domkirke.
We got a little distracted, damn Oslo and its H and M on every corner! I really like this hat. Totally my new gardening hat.... now I just need to go buy it! Pity about the rest of the outfit ofcourse. Made it to the church. Went in. Had a look around. Not particularly amazing but nice to look at in some ways. Popped into another H and M while we figured about where to go to get to the Film museum. I bought a butterfly clip to go with the placement that I applied to. (DO NOT GET HOPES UP BRYBRY)

Went to the museum and I just could not be bothered with it, so I sat in the movie part while N went around having a look at the interesting things there. I had a nice facebook message from a friend that made my day get so much better. Thanks for that. And I hope you know who you are! Picture is just pretty cool :P

Afterwards we headed up towards the palace. The sun came out and I just kept stripping off more and more clothes. Is nice!
Police cars and cars with blacked out windows from down from the palace. King?!

Me totally trying to get on Dutch TV with their eurovision contestant behind me! Oh dear!

Me and N sat on the statue outside the palace for a while just chatted and watching people pass. Including the change of the guard and more eurovision people!

We were meeting D at 3.30 as she had been in work, so we headed down to the National Theatre. There were girls in little 'nurses' outfits giving out free cokes! D missed the first Tbane so we had to wait a bit longer for her, while sat on the fountain.
There we sat watching people. We commented on the people passing. We decided who was hot and who was not. I never stopped doing this while in a relationship and I sometimes did it while with A, ie. which girl do you prefer the one with the blonde hair or the one with the brown hair. I always trusted him and myself completely so it was never a worry about whether they were better than me or not etc. Commenting on whether that girl or boy is hot is perfectly fine to me. But like anything past looking at people freaks me the fook out. I do not want to kiss anyone other than A. I know it will fade the longer we are apart and the fact that he does not want me ever again sinks in more but I know for sure I am not ready for any sort of relationship with anyone. It was nice to be able to look though with N, she made me feel safe. Even though she was basically giving me a cigarette and telling me to go up to the hot guy opposite us to ask him for a light :P *girlie giggles* It was like being 15 again!
D finally arrived and we headed to the History museum. It was nice, a little boring and rather small but nice! I took multiple pictures of myself in a mirror, one of which is now my profile picture on facebook.
N drew me a picture, which I shall be writing a blog about sometime!!

Once we had finished we went outside and D's friend was meeting us. Another british girl in Oslo, who has a Norwegian boyfriend. She is lovely. I will call her S in this. We were all pretty hungry and tired so we went back home to make some food. We made tacos with chicken mince and roasted spiced vegetables for N and nachos! Pretty darn awesome. I was a little manic last night. Super up up up. Makes me fall harder.... Anyway. Pictures of FOOD....

Yes. So..............................................................................
Yummy. Then we talked for a bit. N went outside for a cigarette and her pulling power is insane. She managed to get us an invite to a party for tonight with a hot guy that lives in D's building. D is away for the weekend so we have now stolen her room and are going to pretend we live there so we can go to the party on floor 4! :P Will be nice to meet some new people. I should not drink because I do not trust myself to not call A, text him how much I love him, etc etc and it is not what he wants to hear :( But I think I will drink and just leave the phone downstairs.

Too much for one day.
Shall stop now!
Do not go dizzy from Bryony's terrible English.
BryonyRuth xx

18th and 19th May 2010.

Hiho.

N arrived on Tuesday. I was in work and her phone decided it did not want to work in Norway. She phoned me from the train station and I told her to phone D as I was working and D could meet her to help her with all the stuff. Especially since N was staying with D, not me for the first two days. There were a couple of reasons behind this.
1. I totally forgot she was coming .... so I had not told the family I work for that someone would be staying.
2. D lives in central Oslo so not outside like I do.
3. I still needed my evening time to have a bit of a cry and cuddle by my self.

It worked out all nice and D did not mind at all, but I think some of it may have been out of politeness :P Thank god for lovely british people! Hehe. Thanks D! Muchoes!!

I was working until the evening, then I went to D's for 7 ish to see them. We ate food and chatted. We talked about the break up. We talked about a lot of it, the relationship, the issues, the wants, the needs, the un-sure-ities, the sure-ities, the loves, the hates and the rest that is in between. It felt so good to have someone from home. I headed home quite late and finally got home about 11. I didnt go to sleep straight away and instead finished my Cv and applied to the placement I had been trying to apply for, for the last however long. *fingers crossed*

Next day was pretty lovely but stupidly busy. Busy from 7 to 20.30. But thats my job so I do not complain! Everyone except me and O had left the house by 8. Me and O got ready to leave the house to go meet N to go the Vigelandsparken. The weather was predicted to be awesome and it was insanely super! Me, O and N. Did a lot. Was lovely and although I talked about A, a lot, I did not have to think about it and get myself upset in the same way.
We went to the playground.
We fed the ducks and SCARY SCARY geese. Yes, it does look like I am squatting down to pee!

Feeding the geese was also about taking chances. I am not sure how well you can see me in the picture above but I was pretty darn scared. It may be a VERY small thing but it was another thing that I felt I could be proud of my self for doing. One goose was totally trying to eat my hand!

After Vigelandsparken, posing with statues etc etc. Me, N and O headed towards the Tbane. We got some buns and coffee and I got a new drink that looked a bit yummy. As I have not been sleeping much recently I thought I would give it a try. It was super nice and did make me feel better. Whether it was the drink, or the weather, or the people around me... I do not know but it is good to have a little warming feeling within myself even if it is mixed with all this pain.

We then went to the Opera house for N to have a gander, did not stay there for long as O was getting tired and super warm in his push chair. We got the Tbane home, O LOVES trains so he was enjoying it. He started thinking it would be funny to continuously shout 'HOW BIZZARE' on the train, which N also replied to. Made me laugh a bit :P Made it home, O went down to sleep eventually after deciding to poo as soon as I put him down for his nap. The middle boy that I look after was meant to be going to SFO (After school club) but he decided he did not want to so he came home at 2 (Just as Olav was down for a nap). This meant that I did not get a nice little break. SO then straight on to helping him with his home work, sorting the washing and trying to cook dinner. I was so hot. The weather was lush and because everyone had been out of the house in the morning, no windows had been opened etc so literally a sauna. I felt sweaty all over and my clothes were sticking to me. I forgot what it felt like to be that warm! I got so used to having to put 6 layers of clothes on to just be able to go for a walk without thinking some limb would fall off. O did not sleep for long, so had four crazy boys in a boiling hot house. Hectic! Got the 8 year old to help me make some ice tea. It turned out to not so good. He accidently put the mix into the water that I was cooking for peas so cold ice tea turned out quite boiling hot ice tea. We popped it in the freezee and added some more cold water. It was ok for when we came to actually eating. Made dinner finally and the mum came home. Sat down to eat. I made a lovely shepards pie with roast vegetables and peas. N just had veggies and mash, silly vegetarians :P

Got a little break after dinner so me and N sat outside having a cigarette and then headed down to 7 eleven to get a film for later. The mum went to a meeting for 7 so I had all three boys again. I gave O his food, gave him a bath and put him to bed finally at 7.45. D came round and we were sat upstairs till the mum came home at about 8.30. Chatted for a while. Went downstairs with D and N. We put 'The imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus' on, but did not really watch it. Ate a crap load of ice cream and ranted about crap and looked at terrible terrible horoscopes but apparently me and N are going to have a SUPER romanitic weekend. D and N left about 10-11 and I sat up for another few hours. Watched house and wrote more blogs about crap! I hope I will catch up with my days soon :P
Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

You may have realised that in recent posts I have taken to making up new words. It is rather amusing for me.
BryonyRuth xx

My 2nd 17th of May in Norway.

So, I was technically in Norway for a 17th of May two years ago, but Me and A kinda slept through the whole day as we had been up most of the night prior because I had just got there, there were large breaks between ferries and we talked quite a bit. Lovely.

This 17th of May was good but mostly bad as I could not seem to get any joy. Just felt pain all the time.

So, got up at 6.30, showered and dressed. I wore a blue and white dress with blue tights. Trying to keep in with the theme of Norway colours as ofcourse I do not have a Bunad to wear. Bad times! :P I headed up stairs for breakfast with the boys. It was super nice. I tried to eat as much as I could but eating just made me feel more sick. I acted as if I was happy on the outside, not sure how good I was at it. I then headed down stairs to finish getting ready to leave, and the rest of the family headed up stairs to do the same. The boys were in their school parade thing but I sadly did not go because I wanted to be in Oslo, especially as I think this is my last 17th of May in Norway. I took the Tbane in. I got to the station just after one had left so I sat there for a while. There was a Russ bus right by the station and it was pumping loud music out. The boys were on top of their bus dancing. It was a funny sight. I would very much like a similar thing in the UK but it probably would not be any where near as practical as it is in Norway, and kids just do not have that much money. It is insane how much money they must put into their 'russ' activities. The buses alone must cost a lot. I know that in Oslo and Bærum there are a LOT of spoilt rich kids so I guess there are a LOT more buses here than other places in Norway. I wish I had taken a picture of some of them :( I also never saw the same one twice over the last month, which is a little crazy. Enough about Russ. Here is a picture I took in Oslo of some people in Russ outfits as I thought it was the last day so I better! :P

I got on the train and was surrounded by people all dressed in Bunads or suits or dressed all posh. It was awesome to be able to see all different types of Bunader.
Met D at National Theatre. We popped into a shop so D could buy a flag. I noticed that the freezers were full of icecreams and I thought about what I had heard about the amount of ice cream that kids consume on the 17th of May. We then headed up towards to Palace to watch the parade. As we were walking up the road I told D about my dreams I had had the previous night, which had led to me being so unhappy that day. I had a dream about texting A, I can not remember what I said but it was something along the lines that I wanted to talk to him. I then received a text message back from his phone but the message was not from him. It was from a girl saying that A was not very well, he was staying at hers, he was sleeping in her bed and that he could perhaps talk to me later. Then it ended with a girls name who I have never met/do not connect her to any girl. The text was also written with REALLY bad english and spelling. The next dream was a happy dream involving A, sadly I forgot what it contained but I knew that it was not real when I woke up and so added to the depression. End of dreams.
We met some of D's housemates and some other randoms, and stood waiting for the king etc to come out and for the kids etc to start walking past. It took a while..... but it finally started. I got quite a lot of pictures of random stuff and of the king etc!

I was not able to get a good picture of one but there were a lot of school bands that marched with dolls on sticks, it amused me some what.

I was getting a little restless so I suggested to D to go for a walk. And things seemed to go down hill from there. I felt part of nothing. There I was in the middle of Norway and why....... Like before I felt connected to the norwegian culture, to a norwegian, like a belonged. Now, I just felt like I was faking everything in my life. I was surrounded by men and women dressed in beautiful Bunads and just wished to be one of those happy norwegian couples. I am glad I am welsh and would never think of changing or hiding that but I also LOVE the norwegian life. I saw myself staying here for a very long time and then I just felt apart from anyone on the world.

I still kept an eye out for my fav bunad and I think I found it. Obviously it had to have purple in it! :P The one on the right hand side. I think it is from somewhere in Telemark, but I did not ask. Apparently girls in Oslo (maybe Norway) are 'chosing' their bunad rather than getting the one from where they were born etc.


I tried and tried and tried to make it through the day but I had to head home at 12 as it all got a bit too much for me. We popped in the shop again just before I got the tbane and my god the ice creams were all gone. There was a guy standing there filling it with boxes and boxes of ice cream but he did not seem to be getting very far as people were just coming along and taking them from it. I got home and just lay in bed with my music in my ears and fell asleep, hoping the music would keep away the bad dreams. I think it did, or atleast I do not remember them. The rest of the day included crying, sleeping and Fringe. So was not a great day. Even forgot that N was coming the next day!

BryonyRuth xx

Cv and Job applications.

So I finally finished my CV update. I completely changed the layout and to be honest I think its looking pretty SEXY.

Looking forward seems hard. My CV update took me 9 days.... everytime I tried to concentrate on something other than the break up/relationship, my mind kept going back to it. So yes, took me nine days but I finally got to the end of it.

I have spent the last however many months looking at ways of getting jobs in Norway, in a number of different places. So I thought that my next CV update would have been in Norwegian. Obviously not. Though I am still not against doing one in Norsk.
I have not decided anything about my future. I can not look past today. It hurts too much. Day by day stylie.

I sent my first sort of job application yesterday. I know that the chance of me getting it is slim but I still feel it is a huge thing for me to have done. I feel proud but also a little upset as I want a certain someone to be proud of me too.

One step forward :)
BryonyRuth xx

Weekend May 15 and 16th.

Hi.

Sorry for anyone that read my previous post, I have now deleted it so you will no longer know what I was on about. It was a very depressing post.

I am trying soooooo hard to make it through this break up, I am lucky to have very supportive friends who are willing to just listen to me rant about the same things over and over, or let me cry at them etc etc etc. Even my friend N has come over for a few days, granted she was coming over anyway but my god, it feels nice. Especially since she can totally sympathise with my situation. I have taken this break up badly. It just feels like I put myself through this last 2 years to not reach the amazing point at which me and A would not have to worry about being apart. Granted we would be apart for a lot of stuff like work, socialising and generally having our own space but the distance would not have been a problem. We could have just spent time together without the worries of having to think about the future and what was going to happen. The thoughts would have still been there, because I would have been living in another country to the one I was brought up in (but I never saw a problem with it, until I realised that I should not have been the one to be doing all the work). I think the niggle of what was to come would always come to mind but no where near as much as when me and A were apart. The part that kills me is that I will never know what life would have been like, like that. We never did the whole 'dating' thing, everything just seemed to fit. Being apart took so much of my energy, so many of my thoughts that I just felt exhausted by it all the time. I just wanted it to be over, and I knew someday it would be.... (well I thought i knew!)

The annoying part is that nothing seems to have come to an end. Everything is whats, ifs and buts with a shit load of un-sure-ities in there. I feel that this break should be the way forward but I can not see past it at the moment. My logical brain is being led by my heart and I do not seem to be able to stop it.

I would like to shake a certain someone, touch his face and smile at him. That will never happen. I know that I honestly did everything I could for mine and A's relationship to work. Moving to another country should have been met with a compromise on his behalf? Life is life, nothing is set in stone, no-one can be protected however much you try. If I was sure about every decision I have made in my life, I would be no where right now.

Enough about my fooked up head and heart.... Well the following will have more in but also a bit about what I have been up to.

Weekend.
Saturday:
I had O for a good few more hours in the morning that I thought I would have him for. I assumed it would have been from 9 - 11 but it was more like 9.30 to 1 ish. Not that I had much else planned. So yeh. After that I slacked about for HOURS in my room. Trying to do stuff but not getting that far. With a bit of crying mixed in there. I know there will be a point when the crying will end, but I do not think it will be any time soon. I want to go through this alone. I want to be able to feel this pain and not have someone else distract me from it. I do not mean that I want to sit in my room and cry for every second of every day, but I need to feel that all that happened over the last two/three years was real. Anyway..... I then went to baby sit at someone elses house. Was a little odd, the boys were 4, 9 and 12. I spoke very little to them, trying my hardest to speak just norwegian. They went to bed all happy and I just got paid for sitting and watching tv from 7.30 to 12.30. Is nice! :) Then I went home. Sleeeeeeeeep.

Sunday:
Well this was a good ish day. I woke up rather late. Slacked in bed watching stuff till I do not know when. Got up, showered and heading to meet D. I went to church for the first time since I have been to Norway. The Church of Norway is very different to the Church of England. It obviously still has the same general overlay but I think I am safe in saying it is a lot more lively and musicified. It was VERY odd at the beginning but I soon began to feel better within myself. The service was in Norwegian but I had a lovely guy next to me translating the whole thing. Luke 15 The Parable of the Lost Son. was the reading. It was nice to hear thoughts about it.... Do not think I will talk about this more :P I also had my first communion in ages. I was not sure if I was going to but it is nothing like what I was brought up with. In the church I go to at home, you go up and kneel to take communion but we did not. We went up took the bread, dunked it in the wine and walked off. I found it very strange. Not bad, just strange. People at the church were very welcoming and the age of the people there was a lot younger than people you would find in the Uk. Most people were under 30. Was refreshing in some ways.
After this me and D went back to hers so have some food. She had made a delicious lasagne. We also decorated some cookies ready for the breakfast she was off to for the 17th of May.


Also watched Dr Who while eating/decorating. Was good :)
Went home. Got a little upset as that was the night, 2 years prior that I had met Andre for the first time at Ålesund Airport. I just kept thinking about how perfect that first meeting was and about how much I wished things would turn out differently. Distance = relationship killer? Or ??

I wanted to link this to a whole load of people that I am not in contact with at the moment, so in the odd hope that they might perhaps be reading my rants.
*giggle*

Got a little more time, but I should be sleeping.
BryonyRuth
xx

Closure and the last few days.

So A finally gave me some sort of closure. It still did not give me all the answers I needed, but it has allowed me to start the healing process. Still hurts like hell but I am able to think about some aspects of my future without breaking down and crying.

There is quite a lot of stuff I have to get used to. We were in a long distance relationship for so long that I have to try and get out of a lot of routines that I have gotten into, silly things like when walking home alone I can not just call him to make me feel safe, or just generally having him to tell about my day, or sending him a stupid text to at a stupid time oclock. Feeling 'insecure' in another country is odd. I am not worried about getting hurt or being attacked or anything, but I do not feel like I have him to fall back on anymore (Obviously). Especially when I was walking home the last two nights past 12 I realised this. If I got injured he would not be the first person I would 'want' call/that would be called. It is rather upsetting. I know that my parents would be called and the family that I work for would be there for me. But he was my 'family', my 'safety net' in Norway. It is something I just have to get used to and I will be moving home in 6 or so weeks.

So how I have spent my time. I have not really let myself be alone to think about stuff, but I have still been stuck inside my own head alot. I randomly blurt out stuff in the middle of converstation, or have to get people to repeat themselves as I was not really listening. After the cleansing began I was alone in the house with O and the main thing that stuck me was, I was not going to have 'norwegian' babies. It sounds really stupid, but there I was in a little house in Norway, with a baby, talking Norwegian. I know things never go to plan but I thought that this one would get to atleast a better point. I started 'focusing' on babies more over the last 8 months in Norway, mainly because I was working with O, but also because I needed something to keep me looking to the future and not becoming so depressed about the situation that me and A were in. I do not regret anything I have ever said to A, although I became rather obsessed about baby ness, I never got pregnant and I have always talked about anything I have wanted to. A should have been well aware of the way I was, as I said totally inaproppriate things to him well before we were together, even after only knowing him for a few months.

Anyway.
Closure. That night I went down stairs when people came home, climbed into bed. Did not think about it. Watched some Fringe (as I had been waiting for A to give me some time so we could watch it). And fell asleep at 9.30 ish. I slept for a nice long time and as it was a religious holiday the next day I could sleep in. I did not need to sleep in very long but I stayed in bed till 12 ish, just watching things and/or talking to people. Finally got up and showered. Headed into Oslo to meet D. It was only meant to be a little coffee but it turned into some thing a little different.
~A trikk ride, coffee shop hunt, poster stealing, Hot chocolate, Huge ice creams, Cv adjusting, walking, curry, lottery ticket buying, winning scratch cards, Tbanen, bus, lovely Norwegians' apartment, home made moon shine from Trondheim (As pictured, made with Tyrkisk pepper and fishermans friends to add some flavour to it), Alias in Norwegian (Which me and D won!!!!!) then more busses home. It was a great day, and it kept me from thinking, except for when I ranted everything at D in the coffee shop!
Friday, was a long day. Had O for most of the day, did not stop me over thinking everything. As a way of coping with the break up, I wrote a reply to the email that A sent me, but which I probably will never send. I do not know if its possible to be friends with anyone after such a break up, I want him to be so so happy, but I am not sure I will be able to take it that he is. So it is probably best to not know. It is hard to not think everything, IE What is he doing, who is he doing it with and does he still think of me as much as I do him. These thoughts I hope will fade with time as I will never get the answers I would like. Friday evening I went to see Robin Hood with L, D and a few others. After we went to the 'New to Oslo' monthly pub night. I had never gone before. It was nice, but I am finding it hard to adjust to socialising. I am still broken on the inside and I do not want to show that on the outside. Questions like, So why did you pick Norway? came up a lot. I just said, for a boy but we are no longer together. Life is srange. In amongst all of the foreigners in Oslo, I manage to come across a person thats working in the Høgskole in Volda. It may not be so close to A but a lot of Norwegians have not even heard of the place... Things like that I used to love, little connections that I could find with A, and they seemed to pop up A LOT! (These gave me hope in the fact that God was trying to point out that we were meant to be together). Now I just do not know....
Anyway, socialising got a bit too much for me to D, K and I headed out to do something else. But we did not get so far. We got some food and headed back to D's and then shortly headed home after as we were all exhausted!
Saturday Morning, I have O for a few hours then I will be sleeping, then I am baby sitting some other families kids. Should be interesting.

Rant and such over.
Enjoy.
BryonyRuth. xx