There is quite a lot of stuff I have to get used to. We were in a long distance relationship for so long that I have to try and get out of a lot of routines that I have gotten into, silly things like when walking home alone I can not just call him to make me feel safe, or just generally having him to tell about my day, or sending him a stupid text to at a stupid time oclock. Feeling 'insecure' in another country is odd. I am not worried about getting hurt or being attacked or anything, but I do not feel like I have him to fall back on anymore (Obviously). Especially when I was walking home the last two nights past 12 I realised this. If I got injured he would not be the first person I would 'want' call/that would be called. It is rather upsetting. I know that my parents would be called and the family that I work for would be there for me. But he was my 'family', my 'safety net' in Norway. It is something I just have to get used to and I will be moving home in 6 or so weeks.
So how I have spent my time. I have not really let myself be alone to think about stuff, but I have still been stuck inside my own head alot. I randomly blurt out stuff in the middle of converstation, or have to get people to repeat themselves as I was not really listening. After the cleansing began I was alone in the house with O and the main thing that stuck me was, I was not going to have 'norwegian' babies. It sounds really stupid, but there I was in a little house in Norway, with a baby, talking Norwegian. I know things never go to plan but I thought that this one would get to atleast a better point. I started 'focusing' on babies more over the last 8 months in Norway, mainly because I was working with O, but also because I needed something to keep me looking to the future and not becoming so depressed about the situation that me and A were in. I do not regret anything I have ever said to A, although I became rather obsessed about baby ness, I never got pregnant and I have always talked about anything I have wanted to. A should have been well aware of the way I was, as I said totally inaproppriate things to him well before we were together, even after only knowing him for a few months.
Anyway.
Closure. That night I went down stairs when people came home, climbed into bed. Did not think about it. Watched some Fringe (as I had been waiting for A to give me some time so we could watch it). And fell asleep at 9.30 ish. I slept for a nice long time and as it was a religious holiday the next day I could sleep in. I did not need to sleep in very long but I stayed in bed till 12 ish, just watching things and/or talking to people. Finally got up and showered. Headed into Oslo to meet D. It was only meant to be a little coffee but it turned into some thing a little different.
~A trikk ride, coffee shop hunt, poster stealing, Hot chocolate, Huge ice creams, Cv adjusting, walking, curry, lottery ticket buying, winning scratch cards, Tbanen, bus, lovely Norwegians' apartment, home made moon shine from Trondheim (As pictured, made with Tyrkisk pepper and fishermans friends to add some flavour to it), Alias in Norwegian (Which me and D won!!!!!) then more busses home. It was a great day, and it kept me from thinking, except for when I ranted everything at D in the coffee shop!
Friday, was a long day. Had O for most of the day, did not stop me over thinking everything. As a way of coping with the break up, I wrote a reply to the email that A sent me, but which I probably will never send. I do not know if its possible to be friends with anyone after such a break up, I want him to be so so happy, but I am not sure I will be able to take it that he is. So it is probably best to not know. It is hard to not think everything, IE What is he doing, who is he doing it with and does he still think of me as much as I do him. These thoughts I hope will fade with time as I will never get the answers I would like. Friday evening I went to see Robin Hood with L, D and a few others. After we went to the 'New to Oslo' monthly pub night. I had never gone before. It was nice, but I am finding it hard to adjust to socialising. I am still broken on the inside and I do not want to show that on the outside. Questions like, So why did you pick Norway? came up a lot. I just said, for a boy but we are no longer together. Life is srange. In amongst all of the foreigners in Oslo, I manage to come across a person thats working in the Høgskole in Volda. It may not be so close to A but a lot of Norwegians have not even heard of the place... Things like that I used to love, little connections that I could find with A, and they seemed to pop up A LOT! (These gave me hope in the fact that God was trying to point out that we were meant to be together). Now I just do not know....
Anyway, socialising got a bit too much for me to D, K and I headed out to do something else. But we did not get so far. We got some food and headed back to D's and then shortly headed home after as we were all exhausted!
Saturday Morning, I have O for a few hours then I will be sleeping, then I am baby sitting some other families kids. Should be interesting.
Rant and such over.
Enjoy.
BryonyRuth. xx
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