Sorry for anyone that read my previous post, I have now deleted it so you will no longer know what I was on about. It was a very depressing post.
I am trying soooooo hard to make it through this break up, I am lucky to have very supportive friends who are willing to just listen to me rant about the same things over and over, or let me cry at them etc etc etc. Even my friend N has come over for a few days, granted she was coming over anyway but my god, it feels nice. Especially since she can totally sympathise with my situation. I have taken this break up badly. It just feels like I put myself through this last 2 years to not reach the amazing point at which me and A would not have to worry about being apart. Granted we would be apart for a lot of stuff like work, socialising and generally having our own space but the distance would not have been a problem. We could have just spent time together without the worries of having to think about the future and what was going to happen. The thoughts would have still been there, because I would have been living in another country to the one I was brought up in (but I never saw a problem with it, until I realised that I should not have been the one to be doing all the work). I think the niggle of what was to come would always come to mind but no where near as much as when me and A were apart. The part that kills me is that I will never know what life would have been like, like that. We never did the whole 'dating' thing, everything just seemed to fit. Being apart took so much of my energy, so many of my thoughts that I just felt exhausted by it all the time. I just wanted it to be over, and I knew someday it would be.... (well I thought i knew!)
The annoying part is that nothing seems to have come to an end. Everything is whats, ifs and buts with a shit load of un-sure-ities in there. I feel that this break should be the way forward but I can not see past it at the moment. My logical brain is being led by my heart and I do not seem to be able to stop it.
I would like to shake a certain someone, touch his face and smile at him. That will never happen. I know that I honestly did everything I could for mine and A's relationship to work. Moving to another country should have been met with a compromise on his behalf? Life is life, nothing is set in stone, no-one can be protected however much you try. If I was sure about every decision I have made in my life, I would be no where right now.
Enough about my fooked up head and heart.... Well the following will have more in but also a bit about what I have been up to.
Weekend.
Saturday:
I had O for a good few more hours in the morning that I thought I would have him for. I assumed it would have been from 9 - 11 but it was more like 9.30 to 1 ish. Not that I had much else planned. So yeh. After that I slacked about for HOURS in my room. Trying to do stuff but not getting that far. With a bit of crying mixed in there. I know there will be a point when the crying will end, but I do not think it will be any time soon. I want to go through this alone. I want to be able to feel this pain and not have someone else distract me from it. I do not mean that I want to sit in my room and cry for every second of every day, but I need to feel that all that happened over the last two/three years was real. Anyway..... I then went to baby sit at someone elses house. Was a little odd, the boys were 4, 9 and 12. I spoke very little to them, trying my hardest to speak just norwegian. They went to bed all happy and I just got paid for sitting and watching tv from 7.30 to 12.30. Is nice! :) Then I went home. Sleeeeeeeeep.
Sunday:
Well this was a good ish day. I woke up rather late. Slacked in bed watching stuff till I do not know when. Got up, showered and heading to meet D. I went to church for the first time since I have been to Norway. The Church of Norway is very different to the Church of England. It obviously still has the same general overlay but I think I am safe in saying it is a lot more lively and musicified. It was VERY odd at the beginning but I soon began to feel better within myself. The service was in Norwegian but I had a lovely guy next to me translating the whole thing. Luke 15 The Parable of the Lost Son. was the reading. It was nice to hear thoughts about it.... Do not think I will talk about this more :P I also had my first communion in ages. I was not sure if I was going to but it is nothing like what I was brought up with. In the church I go to at home, you go up and kneel to take communion but we did not. We went up took the bread, dunked it in the wine and walked off. I found it very strange. Not bad, just strange. People at the church were very welcoming and the age of the people there was a lot younger than people you would find in the Uk. Most people were under 30. Was refreshing in some ways.
After this me and D went back to hers so have some food. She had made a delicious lasagne. We also decorated some cookies ready for the breakfast she was off to for the 17th of May.
Also watched Dr Who while eating/decorating. Was good :)
Went home. Got a little upset as that was the night, 2 years prior that I had met Andre for the first time at Ålesund Airport. I just kept thinking about how perfect that first meeting was and about how much I wished things would turn out differently. Distance = relationship killer? Or ??
I wanted to link this to a whole load of people that I am not in contact with at the moment, so in the odd hope that they might perhaps be reading my rants.
*giggle*
Got a little more time, but I should be sleeping.
BryonyRuth
xx
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