I have been unable to write new posts of any importance (relative) to any thing happening in my life over the last two weeks, as after Gavin's death I found writing about the stuff going on in my life irrelevant to the other things going on in the world. A lot of my facebook status updates stated what I was up to and rarely mentioned Gavin's accident/death, although I thought about it every second of every day since it happened, but writing on my blog is about what I am feeling, doing and everything else. I do not know what I am feeling. I do not know what I am meant to be feeling. A lot of the time I feel selfish in feeling what I feel. Me and Gavin were together when we were 14/15/16, together for a over a year and a half. We rarely talked properly since we broke up, just the typical 'Hi how are you?' I was often mean to him. More recently, last few years, we had both grown up a lot and were able to have normal conversations and Gavin would never hesitate in telling how much of a good person I was, but I never told him back....... I mentioned Gavin a few weeks ago in one of my posts about my recent break up, how he had helped me look to the future and to try not focusing on the past and all the bad stuff that has gone on. He helped me a lot with various things, even though our lives were no longer entwined in anyway. First time I had actually looked forward to going for a drink/coffee with him since we broke up, that many years ago. I am not angry with God about taking him away from this world, not sure how one is meant to feel about that sort of thing. Though, there is one phrase I hate..... “God needed one of more angel”. Grrrr. Death is very hard to comprehend. Especially when it is so unexpected and seems so unfair. Gavin was so young, in the prime of his life and genuinely such a good, loyal, giving person. His death is completely unexplainable and a total and utter head f*ck. Death makes everything else mean nothing.
Ready to talk about it now? Talking helps with every situation. Being open helps you from blowing up inside, becoming angry with yourself and others, and generally should make you feel better, granted that you know what you want to say or that you are able to express yourself. I have been living in Oslo for the last 10 months and was due to leave today. (2nd of July). As soon as I heard about Gavin's accident I wanted to rush home, I did not know what I felt or what I should do, and I probably would have felt as useless even if I had come home straight away, although I will never know because I stayed in Oslo. Ok, not overly ready to talk about everything.....
I found out the funeral was on the Wednesday, I spoke to my parents and my employers and arranged to come home. I avoided everything going on at home for the days before I left Oslo. I feel selfish. But then I do not. Should people spend their time moping and being angry about death? I think if people do not forget, they should live their lives in a way that the person that is no longer here would have liked them to have lived their lives?
Coming home was an odd experience. In a number of ways. Nothing is ever going to be the same for me in Porthcawl. And that is the same for a lot of people. I was so scared. I did not want to have to face anything. A lot of people I know had seen Gavin in hospital. Been there to support each other. Been there for him. Preparing yourself for death and situations like this, never works. People need people to support them. You are never alone even if you feel you are. You may be sat in a room full of people and feel alone but there is always others that feel exactly the same as you. Death brings people together, even though it is on sad terms, people should be very thankful for others. Better not to dwell on the bad things and the sadness?
I left home on Tuesday Morning. Landed in Stansted. Got in the car with Daddy, drove back to Wales. Very surreal. Wales (HEART). So nice to see friends and family. The hugs between people are different. It feels like people are sharing their strength, to try and get people though this and show that people are here for others. Mutual pain. However well you know the person that has died, most people will always feel compassion or sorrow or pain or anything else for them selves, others and for the life that has been lost forever on this earth.
The funeral was very moving and emotional. A number of the 'you are not alone' hugs. They are nice and strengthening, but also rather draining in some ways. I went to the church, the burial, and the wake, I left before the wake ended with my parents and V. Good to see people, especially people that I had not seem for the last year or more. I am unsure of the appropriate ways to describe funerals and whatever pops into my head sounds like some sort of cliché, most of which I hate. There was a huge turn out in the church, lots of people wanting to pay their respects and celebrate the life of such an amazing person. I know a number of people were unable to attend, but they were there in spirit also. The service was beautiful. The songs were well chosen. Father Masson expressed himself well, although I assume he has quite a lot of experience with that sort of thing :/ The three people that said things were very brave. Just wow. I think they did Gav justice.
Home after the funeral. Still was not sure what I was feeling. Rather numb and not sure what I was meant to feel, I am still not sure though. Big brother and Sister to be came down for food. I was not really in a talking mood, but super nice to see them. We ate food and I headed to the pub, where I met a few friends, some of which had been drinking since the wake. Sort of a dumbed down dullness had come over them. Trying to find joy but not quite able to? Again, death, not easy to figure out. Closing time. T (Little brother) gave me and friend, Owl, a lift to their house. (And now he will be referred to as Owl, will he dislike it? And who will get who I am on about? :P) We grabbed some drinks and headed to the beach. We sat on the beach, sand/ rocks/ grass talking about numerous things, including Gav. It was nice. Laying down and staring up at the sky, the stars and the clouds that were moving really fast. The moon. The fireworks. The beach that held so many memories of my past. The sea at night. Finally started to head home about 3, when I was half way home, my dad called, I was a little confused but they were still up packing for the road trip that started the 'next' day....... 2 hours sleep and the Road trip began. (To be continued!)
Anything I say on here are my personal views. It does not matter if it is not the same as what everyone else feels and thinks because the point of this is finding a way to express myself and not worrying about others making judgements, although people always do...... :p
Never forget people that have influenced your life, however small of an impact that they caused they are always important.
Have no regrets and live life to the full. Do not think about things too much, other wise you will end up over thinking everything.
You can do anything you want to do, you can be anything you want to be.
Just do not be too reckless.
And yes. People paraphrase a lot.
BryonyRuth.
We decided to go for breakfast this morning, last night. I was a little late having a bath etc this morning so I left the house a bit later than hoped but managed to make it to meet Suz at just gone 11. She was sat on a bench facing out towards to the sea. Looking beautiful as always, playing on her phone, wearing a wonderful straw hat and with head phones in. So we headed for breakfast......
